Apparently, I am ripping plasters off here, there and everywhere at the moment. 

This week, I decided to do something else that I consider scary: a solo day trip. I also chose to do this on my birthday. In all of my (now) 39 years of existence, I have never spent my birthday alone. I mean, I think a lot of people probably haven’t and it definitely isn’t a character flaw, perhaps it's something that should be experienced at least once in your life. 

I just want to point out here that I am not in any way discrediting the fact that I am incredibly lucky to have people that want to spend time with me on my birthday as there are many that may not have that or feel that they don’t deserve that. Just know that you do, everyone deserves to feel cherished and valued…even if it feels foreign to you or it is hard to let in. 

I digress.

So, on Monday, I get myself ready and it gradually gets later and later. I am a dilly-dallier. Fear makes me faff and so that morning I faffed, like I have never faffed before. 

I finally got myself out of the door and into my car for a 2 hour drive to Hay-On-Wye (Heyyyy! Gay pose, finger snap…*cringes at self*) 

I do get a little anxious on routes I’ve never taken but I solve that with swearing, talking to myself in the third person and blasting my music out. It was a beautiful drive but you know, Wales doesn’t even have to try to be beautiful, it just is. 

I pulled up in the car park and the first hurdle showed up. The machines were cash, which I wasn’t prepared for but they had the app, great. Would the app work? Nope. After pissing around with it for 20 minutes it finally worked and then I set off in search of a toilet.

Can someone please tell me why we have to pay to pee?!! What is that about? 

The first loo I found was cash only… so I went in search of another, found one, brilliant. I am all but peeing my pants and the card reader pings and the door beeps to tell me I can open it, but it won’t open. Cue me turning the air blue, cussing out an inanimate object (at this point I am worrying all the world can see me having a fight with this fucking toilet door but of course, they can’t). 

So I pay another 50p, very begrudgingly. It makes me wish I’d pulled in a lay-by on the way and peed between my doors but I can’t do that. I can’t even cop a squat if I’m out hiking out of fear that someone will see my sad, lily white, pancake ass in the middle of a field where there is NO-ONE! 

I finally get into the loo and as my arse kisses the seat I am confronted with my reflection staring back at me. Great. What a sight!

After those tiny teeny debacles, I started scoping everything out, I wanted to walk about a bit and get my bearings and then venture into places I liked the look of. 

This is what I do, I have to gear my awkward self up. 

It was so nice to be surrounded by books and it was quiet enough that I didn’t feel I had to rush my way out of places. Though, that did take time to allow myself that. The first few book shops I went into I didn’t stay long. 

I kept telling myself to ease off, it wasn’t a race. I was more intentional about slowing myself down, looking at things I wouldn’t normally consider. I actually chose a few genres that I don’t normally read. 

I was slightly disappointed I hadn’t checked beforehand that several of the shops don’t open on a Monday, including ‘Gay-on-Wye’ Hello?! Of course I’m going to want to go there! Also the castle was closed for maintenance…really though, I think that those may have been signs that the universe was gently trying to say 

“OK Laura, that’s enough, don't try and do too much at once. It really isn’t a race.” 

It’s also an excuse to go again. Maybe when it is warmer next time, because fuck me I was freezing. 

Each shop I went into, it became easier to stay longer. I could now start to feel myself getting hungry. 

Oh shit. This one is a hard one for me. Eating alone. I had a preconceived idea of where I was going to eat, I researched it, liked the look of it. I walked past it at least 10 times telling myself I would go in and each time I got intimidated by how many people were in there, so I bailed. I bailed hard back to my car. 

I sat there for a good 30 minutes having a word with myself whilst devouring the most sugary chelsea bun I have ever had in my life. I needed the high as I had drained my awkward battery.

I sat there thinking what would have been the worst thing that happened? Why does it matter? You aren’t going to see these people again, no-one cares, in the nicest way, NO-ONE CARES! 

Whilst I didn’t go to the place I wanted to eat, I sought out somewhere more quiet but, I did push myself to sit in the window seat. Which for the first, no, I’m not gonna lie here, the WHOLE time was uncomfortable as fuck but I’m glad I persevered. I had to actively keep stopping myself from reaching for my phone and kept looking out of the window…which in turn made me feel more fucking awkward somehow! 

I could feel myself wanting to rush but I kept pushing to slow down, to take the time to enjoy my meal, even though it was excruciating. 

I also just want to point out that I also find eating in public WITH people scary. It's just that I have become more accustomed to that in the last couple of years and I do it because I want to push through and be able to connect with people that I care about. 

This was undoubtedly the hardest part of my day. 

It was a strange mix of being gentle with myself and berating myself and it wasn’t until I started driving home that I realised quite how exhausting that is. 

What I noticed in spending my birthday alone is that I didn’t feel I had to ‘perform’ happiness and that no one was made to feel responsible for me having a good time and it made me reflect and think

 “huh…I wonder how many other people feel they have to perform happiness just because it is viewed as a day where you are not allowed to feel anything other than.” 

This might seem depressing but I assure you, it is just my curiosity. 

Then I thought about how ‘performing’ ties into awkwardness. We feel we have to present ourselves or perform in a certain way to fit in. EVERYTHING is dependent on making sure that everyone else feels comfortable, that the way you are is comfortable to someone else. 

It is a constant filtering and watering down of one’s self. 

Maybe that is why the day mattered more than I realised at the time, because in all of that awkwardness, faffing, freezing and fighting…there were small moments where I didn’t filter myself. Where I didn’t rush to make myself easier to digest. 

I didn’t necessarily conquer anything but I showed up. I stayed and I let the day be what it was and maybe that’s enough for now.

X