If you are awkward or even if you are not, I’m sure you have all at one time or another rehearsed a conversation, event or played out how you want something to go in your heads right? 

….and then obviously, it rarely happens how you imagine it happening. 

For me in a lot of instances, not all… I feel like the universe watches me imagine it and goes “aw cute. But, no.” 

All of it is a form of self management, to try and have control over my awkwardness, keep it at bay. The thing that I always seem to forget is that when I am in said conversation or event, my fight or flight kicks in. 

Take my graduation for example.

 I had self managed my anxiety about my awkwardness of having to continuously be in a room full of a lot of people, in close proximity and making small talk

Usually I go over every. Possible. Scenario. But in this instance, what I forget to consider is that I would be in full view of said people, walking across a stage. 

At that moment, suddenly my feet and legs didn't feel like my own. I concentrated so hard on putting one foot successfully in front of the other that I felt like a giant fucking baby. 

Oh my god, don’t trip. I won’t trip! You aren’t going to trip. For the love of god. Do. Not. Trip!

Oh my god, what if I fart? Y’know all those reels of people farting in awkward silences or really serious moments, that’s gonna be me. They're going to call out my name and I’ll step forward and I’ll just…fart. Right next to the microphone. 

Not just any fart, a problematic fart.

Oh fuck what if I end up shitting myself? Then I’ll have shit in my pants, it’ll run down my legs, a shit trail all over the stage. 

They’ll have to stop the presentation and the cleaner will have to come and mop it all up.

I am going to single-handedly (or single-arsedly in this case) ruin everyone’s graduation. The takeaway memory they will have of their day is my poo stripe.   

Why is it that when we think of things that’ll go wrong in social situations, the worst case scenario is always poo related? 

Just me? OK, cool. 

Cool. 

The thing is, in a social scenario the worst has happened for me - so it can’t get any worse!

Granted, I was a child but there is nothing quite so humiliating as your teacher spraying air freshener as you leave the classroom. 

I dare you to trump this story. 

The thing is when you are awkward, I think your fight or flight can perceive every situation as dangerous. You are constantly thinking of ways to prevent yourself from being savaged by a bear, even when all you are doing is telling the lovely receptionist at the dentist that you have arrived for your appointment. 

My problem is I am constantly trying to outsmart it, instead of working with it. But fight or flight doesn’t negotiate, it doesn’t reason. 

My fight or flight is, in most cases irrational, excessive and fucking irritating, it is also though, a sign that my body is trying to protect me. 

What I have to remind myself of is that we all have to deal with fight or flight in one way or another. It rules over us sometimes but it is good that it is there, right? we just have to be better at channeling its use more effectively. 

Or in this case, I do. 

It’s a work in progress sort of thing. 

If you have a hard time with this kind of thing as an awkward twat, be kind to yourself.

Disclaimer: I’m sorry I resorted to toilet humour. 

X