So, it’s been a minute. If you are having a tough time with your anxiety or awkwardness at the moment, maybe you’ll relate to this blog. I’ve often said that I hope the blog helps people to feel less alone in their struggles. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you solely have to be awkward as fuck or anxious…if at the very least it makes you chuckle or brings a smile to your face, then I consider that a win! 

I just hope that you feel seen. 

I have a week off work and the weather has been b-e-a-utiful!

I thought I would take full advantage of that and pushed myself into the outdoors and to do some things for myself. 

This was after reaching a point several weeks ago where I was just trying to get outside for a walk and it took me so long to leave the house because for over an hour, I was changing in and out of 3 pairs of different socks because I was conscious that I looked like a total twat in them. 

I’ve been in these kinds of scenarios multiple times in my life as, I’m sure we all have in one way or another but I sat there and I was looking at my canoes for feet and thinking…

“This is your pivot point Laura. You can choose to let this ridiculous moment define the rest of your day, week, month…or even your year (Insert FRIENDS clap’s) until it just becomes your life. OR… you can lean in and pivot with it.” 

…and I went out probably looking like a twat in my socks but do you know how long I thought about it for? Probably less than 30 seconds after I left the house. 

As my time off approached in the following weeks, I’ve slowly built small habits in and whilst there are still a lot more to incorporate, I’m not going bull at a gate. 

This is because I know what happens when I do…I get overwhelmed, it doesn’t take much!

Something I am inherently bad at as an awkward person is ‘sitting in it’ and this week has definitely tested me with that and on both occasions I have realised that I am capable of it. 

For some reason both of these experiences have involved me peeing in public or ‘wild weeing’.

Both situations had me so close to just saying: 

“Fuck it, I’m going home.” 

My first trip was to Lake Vyrnwy & Rhigawor Waterfalls.

Without giving you a step by step account and boring you to death…if I haven’t already…*PRODS WITH STICK TO CHECK YOU ARE ALIVE*

My anxiety was running the show, despite my optimism and I found myself driving round very tight and sharp bends, and narrow roads around the lake trying to find the car park closest to the waterfall (it’s a big ass lake, OK).  

A maintenance truck was coming down a hill, I panicked and ended up in a ditch (got straight back out). I got so stressed, found the nearest pull in because I needed to pee from the moment I’d left the house because apparently my bladder thinks I’m now a 90 year old and I’d driven past the only fucking toilet nearby. I opened both passenger doors, whipped my bare arse out and peed between them. 

I didn’t give two fucks if someone had seen me. In fact, I was more concerned about pissing on myself. 

To most people, this won’t seem like a big deal. This is not me. I do not do this. So it was absolutely a big deal for me.

I got back in the car, successful in not pissing on myself and thought for a minute. 

I drove back to a pull in I’d seen on the way that opened out on to the lake. I sat by the water, nailed my ‘Peperami’ because; protein and went into the woods behind it to a smaller trail where there was a smaller waterfall. 

Have you placed your hand on a tree or hugged it? (Don’t panic, I'm not becoming a hippy) have you felt its energy? It’s very grounding.

After bumbling about, I'd realised what I’d done is ‘sat in it’ and I’d managed to reset myself, without fully pulling away or leaving…how awkward and anxious I become usually makes me think I’m not capable of things and I write myself off. 

I ended up finding the car park which had evaded me but only down to my own literal brain reading a sign ‘Road ahead closed’ when the turning for the car park was just ahead of it to the right. 

I have to laugh at myself in these moments. What a dingbat! 

Now, I have said I wouldn’t ever try to make this blog ‘advice’ or a ‘guide’ but if I only say this to you; Do not write yourselves off because you are anxious or awkward. Just don’t. 

Just do the hard things and then make fun of yourself a little bit! It is humbling.   

The other day out I’d driven further and because it was just a simple beach day planned, I wasn’t overly anxious until I pulled up in the car park and felt the car rocking. 

It’s a massive open space Laura and you didn’t think to check the wind!!

Cut to me lugging a brolly, seat and all my beach paraphernalia being blown across the sand. I tried to find a dune to bury myself in but the wind was whipping me left, right and centre and I’m ashamed to say I lost my shit. Felt sorry for myself a bit and again was presented with the similar thought:

“Fuck it, I’m going home.”  

And then I sat with it.

“Why though Laura? You’ve driven for over 2 hours. It’s warm. You have layers, you have legs. Get off of your arse!”

I did the walk of shame back to my car to offload all the things I couldn’t use, unless I wanted to lose them to 17 mile an hour winds and probably the sea.

 I set off with my backpack, walked the whole stretch of the beach, got my feet in the water and realised I’d grounded myself again. 

I attempted the dunes again and I shit you not, as soon as my arse kissed the sand and I led down, the wind vanished.

I burst out laughing, anyone walking past would have thought me crackers but I had to laugh at myself.   

I stayed there then, all afternoon until early evening, hence another ‘wild wee’ in the dunes because fuck was I walking all the way back to the other side of the beach for the toilets!

It was an interesting few days and made me realise that whilst I’m no less awkward, I’m just a little less quick to run from it.

Be patient with yourself. 

As always, hugging you with my whole ass. 

X