On a scale of 1-10, how much do you delay things because you are scared that you are going to say or do the wrong thing, or be weird as fuck? 

…me? 

Oh. One gazillion, plus infinity, multiplied by forever and all of eternity and everything that has ever existed in the history of anything and ever will.  

It’s daft I know, any logically minded people out there reading this are probably thinking, how do you ever get anything done? 

I’ll tell you: with great difficulty. 

Y’know when a toddler does that thing where they become wibbly, wobbly and jelly-like when you are trying to get them into their pram?

 It's like trying to put an octopus in a straight jacket? 

That is what my anxiety and awkwardness is like when there is something I need to do. Even when it is something I want to do. 

Surely, you must have found a way to cope with this procrastination by now, Laura? 

No, no I haven’t. 

A particular area in which my anxiety, procrastination and awkwardness excel together is with job hunting.

Because interviews, 

because…Fuuuuuuuck! 

Sometimes when I submit job applications, I want to add a sub cover letter, that acts as an awkwardness buffer: 

Hi, just to let you know, I don’t interview well, trying to sell myself makes me feel I’ve catfished you. I swear my qualifications are in fact real, despite my lack of being able to form coherent responses to your questions, uncomfortable, varying levels of eye contact and profuse sweating. I just make an awkward first impression. 

I’m not really sure how well that would actually go down and would not encourage any fellow awkward fuckers to do this. 

I mean, I’m in it right now as I speak. I’ve been in it all day, refusing to surrender my creative thoughts to the page until the last minute and it’ll eventually all come pouring out all at once, as it typically does. 

I say typically because I hold it all at ransom, until the last minute on a regular basis. 

This delay happens because there are a million questions filtering my writing before I even commit to it, as is similar for speaking. 

Is this going to sound ridiculous? Weird?... Holy Fuck!, Cringe! Not enough, Who do you even think you are? 

That internal commentator showing up again! By the end of it you can feel like you’ve gone ten rounds in the ring with someone, except that someone is yourself. 

If you are awkward or anxious, no one in the world is a worse critic of you, than you. 

It. Is. Exhausting. 

And I’m just going to tap the brakes here a little, kangaroo petrol style and say that, I know this is all a bit self-depreciating and sounds depressing but it is kind of funny, the irony in this…of how much energy I put into doing nothing.

For me, awkwardness is a sign of how much I care, albeit within the wrong places at times, it just needs redirecting.  

And my procrastination isn’t about laziness. It is me flinching against the fear of being too much or not enough.

I cannot explain to you right now how everything within my body is resisting this and how awkward I am feeling being this open and that ten people may read this but…

I am most honest when I am awkward and I think I’m a little too quick to avoid it or attempt to get rid of or stifle it.  

I’ve just got to accept it is there and it is part of who I am. 

That is no mean feat. 

Today feels more rambly than usual but… this is more me, or at least more the contents of my head, emptied. 

Thank you for listening to an anxious hooman bean witter on. 

Hopefully someone can relate and it has eased something for you, made you feel seen. Or at the very least, made you smile.  

With love, awkwardness and a hint of (huge fucking pile of) procrastination. 

X