So, I’m going to talk about a not-so-fun aspect of social awkwardness. 

Have you ever found yourself in situations where you are trying to suppress your awkwardness and the harder you go in on suppressing it, the worse it becomes? (I did briefly touch on this in the last post).

 It’s as if you have whipped out a mega phone and are then proceeding to announce it to the entire room. I mean, I’m aware I’m catastrophising here but it certainly feels that way doesn’t it. You feel like everyone can hear your conversation. I often feel like there is a dick-head sports commentator in my inner thoughts, critiquing my social interactions:

“Ah, here we are with the greeting. She starts off strong with wide eyes, smile engaged… slowly reaching out her hand…she’s about to initiate the handshake.

 Wait, her eyes are still wide and she’s still smiling, this is now veering into slightly unhinged territory. He’s reached with the right hand, she’s countered with the left. She’s assessing the next play, she could just switch hands here, a substitution could prove beneficial and avoid complications. 

She’s moving forward, bold decision...opening out her arms…this is a strange tactic.

 AH NO!!!!

SHE’S GONE IN FOR THE KILL, SHE’S REALLY DONE IT NOW.

 IT’S ASS-OUT HUG.

What a shame.Terribly executed. There’s no recovering from that, it’s all over. Back to you in the studio, Bernice!”

Y’know, I have thought to myself at times, if anyone heard the contents of my head they’d think I was bat shit crazy. So naturally, I’ve put it online for anyone to read. 

In all seriousness, what I’m trying to highlight with this example is that being my harshest critic, overanalysing and catastrophising my social interactions is a way for me to feel in control of it.

If I can anticipate everything that I could fuck up, I’m not being caught-out by it. If I am spectating, I’m therefore not on the field. 

That is a problem though, not being on the field. It disconnects me from the moment, disconnects me from myself and can make it harder to connect with people. There’s nothing wrong with calling a moment for what it is and just going, “Hey, y’know what, I'm a bit nervous - sorry about that.”

 It isn’t easy to get to that point though, to loosen the grip. 

I can’t get it right all the time and it’s actually OK to get it wrong. I’m not going to die - although it absolutely feels like that in the moment. 

I’m working out that suppression = depression. (Don’t panic! I coined the phrase because it rhymes). The constant self-inflicted pressure of having to monitor myself, is stopping me from being myself and doing that can make me feel crap.  

My authenticity is much too high a cost to pay for the sake of fitting in, or attempting to. 

Anyone’s is. 

So, if you’re building up a moment where you gave aggressive, intense intermittent eye contact or full on did an accidental roly-poly down a bus aisle…

 I must have been a gymnast in another life, I fell with grace.

 (N.B There was absolutely sod all gracefulness in this manoeuvre).

...awkward does not mean broken and expressing it might be as uncomfortable as fuck but at least you’ll be present. 

Sending you a hug, with my whole ass.