An attribute, or curse depending on how you look at it that comes with awkwardness, is overthinking. I am an absolute pro at this and have thought my way out of or into many things, gone through every eventuality, scenario, pitfall and loophole. I generate enough anxious energy at times that I could probably stick a floodlight up my arse and emit enough electricity to be a human lamp. 

Something I overthink, to quite an alarming degree, is simply being aware of being in my own body and suddenly not knowing what to do with it. 

If I am in a social setting, I need to have something in my hands to fidget with, so I always wear a ring, or fiddle with my necklace. I look at my watch when I already know what the time is because I’ve checked it fucking ten times within the last two minutes. I will look anywhere apart from at someone (people must find that one so unsettling!) 

If I don’t have something to do with my hands, I’ll end up doing the leg shake and god forbid if I ever leave the house to go for a walk without my headphones. 

OK so to observe this further, dancing for example…for me to fully enjoy dancing, I need to be pissed as a fart, or at least have a little Dutch courage. Otherwise, I’m two-stepping or trying to mirror other people’s dance moves to appear less like a rooted tree.

 The thing is for me, this one doesn’t make sense. I have rhythm …honestly, I do and I have somewhat of a musical background. As soon as I step onto a dancefloor I am aware of every muscle, bone and cell within my body. I don’t feel rhythmic, I feel like a floppy, floopy bell end. 

There has only been one instance, at my cousin’s wedding, where I haven’t felt like this with dancing. I was absolutely very aware of my body but I danced through it. 

I also love going to concerts and I admire people’s freedom so much when I’m there, I just can’t fully allow myself to just let my arms do whatever they want.

 I mean, along with awkwardness can come a lack of confidence and I’m aware that plays a part here too. As does hyperfocusing or overmonitoring myself. Ha! Awkwardness does not come alone to the party!

 I just know that for me, even when I do feel confident and don’t feel the need for social crutches, the whole being in your body thing still feels weird. What’s that you say? Dysregulation? …. Well, yeah that too. There’s work to do!

If I feel discomfort, anywhere in my body, my immediate reaction is to distract myself. Sometimes…being aware of my body can feel overwhelming, I know it probably can be for all of us at times, right?

But now and then that awareness veers into something else, a kind of ontological shock. Y’know that feeling when out of nowhere, you think to yourself

“ Wait, this is real, the grass is real, trees are real, I’M REAL!?”

I’m going out on a limb here in hopes that many of you know what the fuck I’m talking about…I might just not be articulating it well or maybe you’ve had the exact same thought and never told anyone?

Maybe the real shock here isn’t realising that you exist, it’s realising how bloody weird that can feel on a random Wednesday afternoon. So, if you are ever feeling like that, you probably aren’t alone. In fact, you definitely aren’t alone. 

At least we are alive, even if we are overthinking every second of it!